Categories
VST

A Man In a Castle is a Funny Thing

Whenever I see a production item taking place in a castle, I have a mix of feelings rush over me. A mix of amusement, melancholy (if that’s a good word for it), and a truer suspense of belief rush over me. For reasons herein, I will attempt to express.

They’re truly doing their job: acting. There isn’t anything here to the average user/viewer. How many times have you seen a scene playing out inside a castle with those pesky humans? Often, they’ll be involved in the transformation of motion to movements we recognize as medieval; however, not always! I can’t think of a time, but there surely, have been moments of abstract play too! I haven’t the slightest what I’m talking about in this regard, though I am sure most the goals have been to portray some element of an ancient life inside these castles, as they were originally built in an ancient time, and their role in modern society does leave one to speculate what other purpose they can have… Perhaps we’ll find something truly useful in castles in the future, utilizing AI robots to hold, for instance, the most elaborate instance of super ball competitions. The future is a web of infinite untapped potential, after all. Let’s see what happens!

The main topic of this article is something of a complex item for me. I have nothing but a respect for an actor who tries their best to share an idea in the only way befitting their expertise and experience, yet there is a kind of subtle multi-layered hate that seeps into my emotion at the exposure to a product of this kind. I hate that no one can see—except you, perhaps—that these actors are trying to mimic a lost natural art. A sense of loss is part of one of the layers of hate.

While it may be unavoidable, there is no doubt that modern reproductions of human interaction will lose much of how those who inhabited and visited these fortified masses following the years of their construction and in completion. I would like to point out, this is not for the reason you probably suspect however. No, I am not concerned about the arts that we’ve lost, per se. At least, though that may not necessarily true, surely, it isn’t what flares up my emotions in some dancing cocktail in this way!

I am affected by the loss of the VE these past citizens and nobility had. And if I were to compound its nuance, it is the forgetting and ignorance of the common nature. It is gone, and no one talks about it! And that drives me up the wall!

Think of how fleeting sound truly is for a second! Once it has ceased, it ceases, thusly, surely never to be as observed again. But let this not make you think I am so sentimental that we should be recording everything! There is a beauty to the loss of sound, too, in that humanity will ring out it’s wailing and weeping for some time yet, and that will make us evolved, still. No! That issue I have is the severance of time evident in the carrying on of the generations.

And it can be once again! It can! I am desperate to believe it can be for the first time in existence… in the universe! That a pocket of humanity will realize the meaning of the final evolution of man: control of the voice.

Categories
Being VST

Not a continuation of the Congratulations series, pt. 0002

I’d 13 years to think about where I’d be if I hadn’t lost my voice. For the sake of hypotheticals and for those who feel it isn’t a waste to delve into hypotheticals, I believe it has finally dawned on me: It’s really quite better this way… in a rather obvious way. Let’s go over the reasons briefly: (I spent all of a minute gathering my thoughts on this list!)

 • Terrified of losing my voice
 • Didn’t understand voice’s reversing behavior
 • Not smart enough to understand voice’s reversing behavior on own
 • You don’t understand just how terrified of losing my voice I was.

Points one and four mean to emphasize that I was terrified of losing my voice. By this notion, it can be inferred that this would have continued into the future, and not just gone away, leading to more psychopathologies along the way. I already suffered from burning in the throat, lips, and eyes with and without speaking. I had never told anyone that it would happen even when not engaged in conversation; primarily, I am sure, because I was in denial of how bad it was. Listening to music and ‘working away’ was my only refuge.

Point two and point three can be lumped together as well. As stated before, somewhere along the way, I’d lost my way. Understanding how to speak normally as everyone else does was outside the scope of my abilities. ‘Taking on water’ is a good way of putting it, and for this reason alone, two and three, here, would have ensured the mystery would baffle me forever.

There is some closure in knowing roughly what you have to do to reverse course. The knowing-this-much has been so unsettling to me in the past, but I think I am, finally, seeing another image in the distance, revealing itself to me. Suspect is the reality ‘One needs to prepare the voice to lose it so swiftly’; however, have no doubt, someone will seek out to discover the validity of such a proposal… no doubt because of these writings.

I would beg you not to toy with the reversing of VE! It is a terrible place to be. No, you don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to be heard in a crowded room, talkers a’talkin’ away… How about not being able to project your voice across a street unless it’s purely quiet? Then, keep in mind, this speaks of nothing of the torture the first year or so is. It does grow back, yes, yet those first trying months are tirelessly brutal because you will not be heard without yelling as hard as you can manage! But the loss of the feeling of your own voice will deal the greatest damage!

Here I am, rather lucky in that I didn’t have to work until four years later. And somehow I managed that, with great patience for the new person I had to become and accept, hiding the pain I felt from everyone I came into contact with. The sick irony of it all is, no one will realize something of such gravity befell you! The only person who’d notice is someone who’d heard you sing before and after, and then, they’d even say ‘Why aren’t you singing the way you know how?’ And I didn’t have this luxury.

I think I’ll just publish this as is. I have been thinking of more these past few weeks, but the immediacy isn’t striking just yet!

Now, let’s all have a good ‘ha-ha’! One, two, ha-ha!

Categories
Music

Listening to ‘Nocturnus’ Thresholds’*

Music can be such a wild ride! It keeps you coming back for more. Can you believe it? It has me coming back for more! There is something that I haven’t heard before in this mix, and no doubt will there be something I haven’t heard this time and will hear next time. It’s a memorable-forgetful journey everytime… But maybe I should explain myself: I mean to suggest that my ears had heard it all once before! At least, my sub-conscious did, right? It is this time that something else sticks out to me! The tonality and musicianship burning new smells into my mind; images I’d never seen before, and it’s fascinating and captivating all in one breath

Give it a go, and you, too, will uncover the gold, riches, and plunder for the taking—to be exploited. It is the next logical step, after all! You will find yourself in a trance from beginning until end—until the proverbial needle lifts from the groovy black disc.

What will likely be justified is the unsettling at first blush. Or you may be overcome by wonder and awe, too! Is there resolution? I haven’t listened to this album nearly enough to say resoundingly ‘Yes!’ It would also help if theory was in my back pocket.

If the lyrics could be understood, there would be an additional realm of images revealed to the listener, each with distinct meaning and opacity, but let this not take away from the experience! Heavens, no! This is far from the experience! Instead, you are taken to the rhythm and colour of a voice so gnarly, it has you appreciate what goes into the letter s. Truly, when the voice adopts such a rough exterior, a nagging suspicion enters one’s mind: ‘He does that on purpose, doesn’t he?’

Drums fit right in the pocket. If they weren’t there, you’d be lost in the seas of riff.

Bass must be good.

Synthesizers/keyboards create that depth you so desire.

Other instruments that may or may not appear on the record are good.

Now, I’m off to listen to Skáphe’s 1st album a couple times before packing it in.

* Sorry, I am not Rick Beato.

Categories
Gaming

A particular assortment of necromantic details

(Last edited: 01-03-24) CTRL+F is your friend! Herein, I will try to communicate all I know about necromancy, with little snippets about Necromage because it is relevant here. This page will be updated infrequently, but will be as I become aware of things in the future. Check in when the ‘last edited’ part changes; I will try to make summaries of updates available at the end of this page too. Note: I do have mods installed, but nothing that modifies leveling mechanics of NPCs. Additionally, I do not play with Dawnguard or any DLC (other than that high-res textures thing that Bethesda released). I do believe Dawnguard modifies the leveling behavior of vampires, but I know NOTHING of that! And and and… this information is applicable to someone who plays ‘SKYRIM LE’ (Legendary Edition).I know NEXT TO NOTHING of later editions of this game!

THERE ARE LOCATIONS WHERE LEVELS ARE DECIDED FOR RADIANT NPCS WHEN YOU ENTER THE CELL THE MAP MARKER/BUILDING IS LOCATED IN!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!! And no, I do not know how to get Silvia and Vals Veran to be the levels they’re ‘supposed’ to be (or at least, higher than their minimum radiant tiers)!!!!!!!!

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Targets I know you must kill before 40 AND ARE RADIANT (this list will specify the last level you can be when they MUST be spawned into the game. More details will be provided below):

 • PC=28: Bashnag and Drelas
 • PC=30: Master Vampires, such as Movarth Piquine and Vighar, w/o Necromage
 • PC=35: Northwatch Interrogator*
 • PC=36: Briarhearts (all that I know of)
 • PC=38: Master Vampires, such as Movarth Piquine and Vighar, w/ Necromage
 • PC=47: Ancient Vampires (Necromage not needed)†
 • PC=48+: Volkihar Vampires w/ Necromage

* While Interrogator is not a ‘permanent’ corpse, he will never level up once spawned in the game (none of them do). Sadly, this means you can never have level 36 Guards (in glass) and (the one) Mage at the same time as an enthrallable level 40 Interrogator.
† They are typically replaced by Volkihar Vampires at PC=48. I know of only one place in the base game that spawns vampires at their stated levels on UESP (and is guaranteed), and that is during The Wolf Queen Awakened. There are two that you can choose between… four, if you’re a way higher level (sorry! I haven’t figured out the specific level all four become Volkihar!)

Targets who level beyond 40 AND HAVE LEVEL MULTIPLIERS, i.e., targets who require you to stunt your level to or below 40:

 • PC=26: Erandur – has level multiplier of 1.5
 • PC=32: Thorek, Veren Duleri, and Archmage Savos Aren – have level multiplers of 1.25
 • PC=34: Ulfric Stormcloak, and General Tullius – have level multipliers of 1.2
 • PC=37: Fjola (Bandit Leader) – has level multiplier of 1.1
 • PC=40: Lu’ah Al-Skaven, Estormo, Ancano, Madanach, Borkul the Beast, Kaie, Skjor, all housecarls, Cicero, and everyone in the Dark Brotherhood. Note: Aela the Huntress, Vilkas, and Farkas resurrect for ‘hunting trips’, so they are not safe for storage! I’d read that Skjor does too, but he has never resurrected for me.

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THE RADIANT TIER LIST

BRIARHEARTS’ TIERS (7-51):

@11=7, @12=16, @20=27, @28=38, @37=51

BASHNAG’S TIERS (12-46):

@9=12, @10=19, 16=27, @22=36, @29=46

MASTER VAMPIRES’ TIERS (14-53):

@15=14, @16=23, @23=31, @31=42, @39=53

NORTHWATCH INTERROGATOR’S TIERS (14-50):

@15=14, @16=23, @23=32, @29=40, @36=50

DRELAS’ TIERS (19-46):

@15=19, @16=27, @22=36, @29=46

BUTCHER’S TIERS (1-25):

@3=1, @4=9, @8=14, @12=19, @16=25

CAPTAIN HARGAR’S TIERS (9-25):

@7=9, @8=14, @12=19, @16=25

SARTHIS IDREN’S TIERS (6-28):

@13=6, @14=10, @19=16, @25=21, @29=28
IMPORTANT: Sarthis’ level typically locks into the 1st tier! To circumvent this, save BEFORE entering Riften Warehouse, enter, load that save from the main menu. Sarthis and Orini should level up by doing this!

BANDIT CHIEFS, GHUNZUL, & EISA BLACKTHORN’S TIERS (6-28):

@20=28 Note: Obviously not done yet!
IMPORTANT: Ghunzul’s level is locked in when you enter the CELL Cracked Tusk Keep is located in, not when you enter the building itself! ********In Ghunzul’s case, you can kill him, bring his body outside of Cracked Tusk Keep. Put an anchor in his inventory, leave for dur1 period, take anchor from him, wait dur3 period. Then, when you come back to Cracked Tusk Keep, wait an hour before entering the building. (From what I’ve investigated, this is how you get him to level up. No, the trick you can do with Sarthis to get him to level up doesn’t work with Ghunzul! Oh yea, and there are extra steps here, but you’ll have to forgive me, as I don’t have tons of patience to try everything for everything related to necromancy. I just know that this method does work. So, sorry if this is more work than really needed!)

ARONDIL’S TIERS (7-40):

@9=7, @10=14, @16=21, @22=30, @29=40

SILD THE WARLOCK’S TIERS (7=40):

@18=7, @19=14, @27=21, @36=30, @46=40
IMPORTANT: Sild’s level is locked in when you enter the CELL Rannveig’s Fast is located in, not when your enter the ruin!

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CORPSE BEHAVIOR SECTION:

Typically, the rule is, corpses are swept away once a ‘duration-one’ period (aka dur1 period) has passed. That is, one day plus to the next round hour. The periods of certain significance to a necromancer are ‘duration-three period’ – 30 days plus to the next round hour, ‘duration-two period’ – 10 days plus to the next round hour, and ‘duration-one period’ – one day plus to the next round hour. There are permanent corpses (they’ll never disappear nor need an anchor), and also, corpses that will reset/respawn dead back in the dungeon they were found in, too! I am not aware of any instances where a corpse will respawn, resurrect, or reset before a dur2 period has elasped. A number of corpses can be anchored-to-permanency. The general rule for corpses that can be anchored is, if they last a dur1 period, they’ll at least, be anchored until just short of a dur2 period. It’s fairly straightforward! The idea is to make them last longer in the game without needing as much maintenance!

Corpses that last dur3 period w/o anchor, i.e., permanent corpses:

Anska, Old Orc, Jaree-Ra, Ritual Master (and her three helpers), Sulla Trebatius, Umana, J’darr, Madanach and all his friends, includes Kaie, Duach, Odvan, Borkul the Beast; Atar (his relevant quest in Karthwasten must be halted. Otherwise is SFR, i.e., he is scripted for removal – and there is nothing you can do about it); Eisa Blackthorn (you cannot enter Frostmere Crypt, which means you cannot get all three Ice Form words); Salma (must be killed instead of Beem-Ja. If I recall correctly, she is SFR as soon as you leave Ironbind Barrow and Beem-Ja is dead); Kornalus; Telrav; Sild the Warlock; Chief Yamarz (beefy version (I don’t know about the weak version) will be permanent provided you haven’t finished The Cursed Tribe. It is possible to ‘legitimately’ progress through the quest and keep Yamarz as a permanent corpse if you either take Shagrol’s Hammer or let Yamarz confront you before he takes the hammer himself).

Corpses that last dur2 period w/o anchor:

Vighar (Dark Ancestor must be halted, i.e., cannot receive reward for this quest); Ghunzul; Rigel Strong-Arm; Bashnag

Corpses that last dur1 period w/o anchor:

Movarth Piquine (Laid to Rest must be halted, i.e., cannot receive reward from jarl lady)

Corpses that last dur3 period w/ anchor aka anchored-to-permanency:

Northwatch Interrogator, Drelas

Corpses that last dur1 period w/ anchor:

Any dremora (excluding summons)

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not named section

Drelas’ affinity (and level) is locked in when you enter his cottage, i.e., all you have to do to get the Drelas you want is save before entering.

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FOLGUNTHUR’S INVISIBLE WALL

Relevant if you want the strongest Gaulderson, Gaulder Blackblade and/or Blackbow (because if you lock one the other locks too)!

These three are from position #1! I chose it because it’s close to a tree! Originally, I thought you could walk up to the water, but you really can’t!

These two are from position #2! I chose it because I wanted to find out if you could pick this deathbell, and you can; just don’t walk past it!

This is position #3! I chose it because there are dragonflies here that you can catch, though I don’t know how liberal one can be when pursuing them. All I know is, you can stand here and not worry! TIP OF THE DAY: Stay way the hell away from Folgunthur! Don’t even go to Morthal until level 36 (the level when Blackblade and Blackbow are max!) In fact, don’t leave Riverwood until you’re level 100, just in case!

RANNVEIG’S FAST’S INVISIBLE WALL

Relevant if you want the strongest Sild!

Don’t run past this rock pictured in these screenies! You’ll lock Sild if you walk farther than this point!

GEIRMUND’S HALL INVISIBLE WALL

Relevant if you’re trying to get the strongest Gaulderson, Blackbow and/or Blackblade!

If you’ve ever wondered why the Gaulder Blackbow and Blackblade were weak as heck? It’s because you crossed any of the relevant invisible boundaries I’ve shown on this page, or you’ve read the book! The key level of importance is 36 when it comes to these weapons.

TELRAV’S SPAWN BOUNDARY

Relevant if you want the strongest Telrav!

This is spot #3! It’s right outside Sarethi Farm! It’s a good idea to approach Sarethi Farm from the east or south instead of by road. You’ll see why in a second.

Spot #1! I chose it because it’s on the road to Nilheim! Walking toward Nilheim, Telrav will level lock beyond this point if you take the road. You can give this section a wide birth to get to Sarethi Farm, i.e., stay off the road!

These are screenies from position #2! I chose it because it’s on the way to Snapleg Cave. Just trying to show that you can’t get the paralysis staff without level-locking Telrav.

GHUNZUL’S SPAWN BOUNDARY

Relevant if you don’t want to go through the trouble of trying to get him to level up after he’s spawned stunted!

You’ll notice here that I am far away from Cracked Tusk Keep. You walk past this point, Ghunzul will spawn in level-locked, indeed…

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AND MORE TO COME AS I GET AROUND TO TAKING NOTES, LEARNING, AND ADDING IT… I am currently in the process of putting together an anchor list, so there’s that… I do want to post pictures of the ‘commonly crossed’ boundary lines for NPCs whose radiant tiers are set in the ‘wilderness’ and not when entered indoors, e.g., Ghunzul, Sild, Mikrul, and Sigdis, etc.

As a closing note, I do really hope it doesn’t take me long to finish up this info package. I am hoping that by writing this as I am now that it makes me want to get those pictures up pronto! Let’s all cross our fingers! But in the meantime, I’ll release it as is because that’s the responsible thing to do!


NEW ADDITIONS SUMMARY SECTION

For edit date 29-02-24 (later in the day):
 • Added pictures of Folgunthur’s and Rannveig’s invisible wall
 • Added Tip of the Day. Blackbow & Blackblade are strongest at level 36!
For edit date 01-03-24:
 • Added more pictures: Geirmund’s Hall, Cracked Tusk Keep, & Telrav/Nilheim invisible walls

Categories
Music

The Great Metal List

EDIT: Except Candlemass. I’ve known about them for longer than three years. Sorry about that…

Here is a list of albums I’d been turned on to, discovered, and think are all pretty groovy! My history with these bands goes back max three years.

Jaguar – Axe Crazy (1982 single) + Power Games (1983)
Grim Reaper – See You In Hell (1983)
Jag Panzer – Ample Destruction (1984)
Victim – Power Hungry (1984)
Saint Vitus – S/T (1984) + Hallow’s Victim (1985)
Helloween – Helloween (1985) + Walls of Jericho (1985)
Onslaught – The Force (1986)
Toxik – World Circus (1987)
Candlemass – Ancient Dreams (1988)
Hexenhaus – A Tribute to Insanity (1988) + The Edge of Eternity (1990)
Vio-lence – Eternal Nightmare (1988) + Oppressing the Masses (1990)
Nocturnus – The Key (1990) + Thresholds (1992)
Darkthrone – Soulside Journey (1991)
Marduk – Dark Endless (1992)
Grief – Depression (1992)
Desultory – Into Eternity (1993)
Depravity – Silence of the Centuries (1993)
Cemetary – Godless Beauty (1993)
Broken Hope – The Bowels of Repugnance (1993)
Thorr’s Hammer – Dommedagsnatt (1996)
Noothgrush – Noothgrush / Corrupted (1997) + Erode the Person (1998)
ZAO – The Splinter Shards The Birth of Separation (1997) + Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest (1998)
Psycroptic – The Isle of Disenchantment (2001) + The Scepter of the Ancients (2003)
The Agony Scene – S/T (2003)
Asunder – A Clarion Call (2004) + Works Will Come Undone (2006)
Ulcerate – Of Fracture and Failure (2007)
Nekromantheon – Divinity of Death (2010)
Svartidauði – Flesh Cathedral (2012) + The Synthesis of Whore and Beast (2014)
Grime – S/T (2012)
Deathhammer – Onward to the Pits (2012)
Skáphe – Skáphe (2014) + Skáphe² (2016) + Skáphe³ (2020)
Artificial Brain – Labyrinth Constellation (2014)
Imperial Triumphant – Abyssal Gods (2015)
Deathspell Omega – The Synarchy of Molten Bones (2015) + Kénôse (2005)
Misþyrming – Söngvar elds og óreiðu (2015) + Sinmara / Misþyrming (2017) + Algleymi (2019) + Með hamri (2022)
Convulsing – Errata (2016)
Zhrine – Unortheta (2016)
Ominous Shrine – Ο Δρόμος Της Αποθεώσεως (2017)
Serpent Column – Ornuthi Thalassa (2017)
Vulture – The Guillotine (2017) + Ghastly Waves & Battered Graves (2019)
Suffering Hour – In Passing Ascension (2017)
Kostnatění – Hrůza zvítězí (2019)
Caveman Cult – Blood and Extinction (2021)
Crypts of Despair – All Light Swallowed (2021)

Categories
Being

A Great Mystery Has Been Solved!

But the big question is, how do I address this matter? My mother smoked when I was in her womb. No, I don’t know how often or how frequently, but my grandmother told me that she’d seen it one time, and well, smoking is like cockroaches: You see one, there are a hundred more you haven’t seen.

I don’t particularly care. It just all makes sense now why my tendon up the left side of my cervical spine came loose when dismounting from a bloody teddy bear stand. (If you’re wondering why I said tendon instead of muscle, it’s because apparently muscle is connected to our skeletons by tendons. I feel so smart knowing that!) I looked it up, by the way: Smoking while pregnant can cause all sorts of ‘artifacts’ to emerge. One being interfering with development; another being musculoskeletal defects… Whatever that means…

I don’t think I’ll ever talk to my GP about it. I don’t even know why I still have a GP. Yea, he did help me get off nicotine with bupropion, but—here’s a little story:

I told him, ‘Hey GP, I have toe fungus on one of my toes! Can you help me out?’ You know what this prick says to me? ‘I don’t see anything.’ I did scrape some of the fungus onto my finger and try to have him smell my finger. Unfortunately, that’s something I don’t think he was too interested in, so he didn’t really lean in to smell.

It’s from football; from playing in the wet most likely. Literally had this fungus on both my big toes since I was like 14, and this guy says ‘I don’t see anything’. Of course, it’s just the right toe now because I was able to cure my left toe with terbinafine cream some years ago. The right toe is still having glorious spore parties on my toenail, to my glee. You want to know how I know? You can fucking smell the bastards when you put your fingernail right to your nose! Sure am glad I never got athlete’s foot though, though that definitely would’ve forced me to deal with this fungus earlier in life. \end story

Here I am going on 34, and we’ve finally solved this mystery! Really, it was nearly a year ago when my grandmother told me, mind you.

Categories
Uncategorized

Here we venture into spasmodic dysphonia territory because maybe

Have you tried glottal stop utterances? Methodical, repetitive, calculated, deliberate glottal stop utterances for one hour – two hours a day for a week? For four weeks? Would you give it a good, honest go? Did you give it a good, honest go?

I do not proclaim to know something other than surgery can help, but I wonder if there is any overlap between my life’s work and aiding such an ailment in its alleviation.

I suspect there is a level of therapeutic effect in such a routine, and if it doesn’t do more for the affected, we may know in time. Please temper your expectations. I am nothing but hopeful.

Please bring status reports to my e-mail if you so desire. It can be found by clicking ‘c-e’ at the top right of this website.


Categories
VST

Not A Continuation of the Congratulations Series

It’s simple! The problem is, I just don’t know for sure what direction you need to focus on and from where. I’m sure intuiting what you have to do with the focus and direction and from where part dependent on the way you voice feels and sounds is the best formula for success. I do very much recall trying all sorts of combinations, including one that felt like it was tearing the tissue above(?) my bellybutton. I stumbled on that one by accident a number of times (because you do have to be somewhat careless when path-finding). Another felt as though it was raising my larynx so high that uttering from the state was impossible. Intuit the way forward by allowing the voice to do all the work, but be gentle for the first month or so! I don’t aim to tell you how to experiment, following my footsteps; just be aware: Technique in this discipline isn’t anything like singing, speaking, coughing, yelling, hiccuping, growling, nor any other typical known application for the voice. Glottal stop utterances. Underline that in your workbook!

It did put me into shock losing my voice like that. It was so quick. And all it took was choosing an unnatural direction to focus. In combination with altering the from where during regular speech for a little time, something did happen. And I knew what it was in an instant! Of course, let’s be observant here: I had been doing glottal stop utterances for months. Maybe not every day, but we’d be fools to ignore that fact. I’ve tried hard to not be a victim in my day-to-day and simply state when here, but I have to be honest. If my ramblings on this website or on Twitter have made me sound like a victim, then so be it. That’s the way the cookie crumbles… This is a big deal. It’s one of those things where I figure it makes sense to throwback to the final edit: You own a car. You know it has an engine, but let’s be honest, you know nothing about how it works.

We need someone else to do months of glottal stop utterances. This someone needs a voice energy strong enough to notice the shift I noticed while doing them. This person needs loads of patience, and to be rather open-minded. Bottom line is, having the required voice energy on top of it all may be the limiting factor! Perhaps it makes sense to mention here that in the few days before the incident, I was able to produce a sound that felt so much farther out in front than what I’d become accustomed to in my abilities. If you hold the suspicion that it is likely there will be so many who are already capable of this from the moment they begin and will thus not have any clue what I’m talking about, rest assured! I am certain this will be the case. A similar phenomenon will arise with those who cannot imagine their voice being further out in front of their person … their mouths … their throat areas as well! This is guaranteed!

I am aware you are able to ‘grab’ your voice when it’s strong enough and positioned, for the most part, out in front—or just plain strong enough. This! This! This! This is a clue! It is not a clue because yours truly is trying to be cryptic. No! It is a clue in the way that a snap container lid has an arrow, letting you know which way to pull. And be oh so frustratingly gentle! Be so gentle it makes you consider your voice a living entity inside you, with a beating heart and a desire: to be heard from the mountain tops! Only when you’ve noticed how different every utterance is will you glance at the depth of the voice and its brilliance. And I believe it is here where so many will give up because they will understand my words.

Categories
Being

Aspect of Origin

Fulfilled in a lightning spell
Regular return
Richness do tell

How often you speak to me
How often do you speak to me?
How often will you make the effort?

Control your anger, young one!
Don’t stray afar!
The conversation is familiar

Descend at your peril!
Don’t stop o’clock
Aspect of origin: terrible

Categories
Being

It’s hard to believe …

I was 21 when I ‘lost’ my voice. Just hearing gen Xers and older can trigger a teary episode. TO THIS DAY, the voice is so beautiful and amazing, and fascinates me to no end, and yet it destroyed me. I remember that it destroyed me, too. Not by being, but through ignorance; plain and simple ignorance!

How does it make sense that the man with the pavement tiles has to hold them and place them competently as blind as he is?

Maybe it’s just a simmering frustration because of that medication that stole my mind from me. ‘Adverse reaction’ speaks nothing to the inner torment even vague memory elicits.

It’s all right though. I did something a few days ago: read reviews. And just like that, it brought into perspective the fact that my experience isn’t the worst. While it isn’t that I fixate on not being ‘the worst’, it’s so in your face! It’s there! Accessible to anyone who has an Internet connection, and there are them reviews right there! Of all the fucking things: reviews! RFK, Jr. has a lot of work to do if he’s given the chance to tackle the pharmaceutical industry as he says is due.

Personally, I just want my voice back. The voice with all the progress. Time keeps ticking on…

Listening to Psychrology by Psychroptic right now. The album is loaded into queue. Was listening to that most recent Jordan B. Peterson Podcast episode a bit ago now. I haven’t listened to the whole thing, but it definitely is a good one!

I do really need to get an updated family photo put together, too. Momoka is turning 25 this October and Fremy is turning 29 in August. Maybe in a couple paychecks. I am definitely more than a little sick of the one daki. We need a real family photo, and the sooner, the better!

Damn, man! This Psychroptic is great! Good music is good!

I think, now that I’d cried most of my sadness away, I’ll make a small list of awesome albums that you should listen to:

 ① Ornuthi Thalassa by Serpent Column (2020)
 ② As Gomorrah Burns by Cryptopsy (2023)
 ③ ’The Isle of Disenchantment’ (2001) & ‘The Scepter of the Ancients’ (2003) by Psychroptic
 ④ Of Fracture and Failure (2007) by Ulcerate
 ⑤ S/T (2008) by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

And finally, the hit song of the hour: SIGN by THE OTHER FLOWER.