Categories
Being

Wacky Idea History

There are wacky ideas I’d had in the past. There are two I’d like to name here:

 • Self penis growth
 • Self eye ‘fix’

It may come as a surprise. I haven’t emerged unscathed from wacky ideas in my life. Perhaps there’ll be a time when I really delve into what my thoughts and logic were regarding these items, but essentially, to the first, I thought for sure you could reach far back enough to access the ‘root growing’ place within the penis! To the second, because my eyesight was getting worse, I figured it made sense to take its health into my own hands and meditate on force within the eyes to achieve a beneficial result.

Neither of these ideas came to fruition. To the former, I gave up out of frustration, and it turned out that I had been controlling the muscle way back there, and in so doing, was filling my member with more blood than it would normally! The latter fell flat because no matter how much constant pressure on my eye I placed, my vision continued to get worse, and it was not until some time later that I was educated to the reality: that my corneas had lost their integrity!

I am not particularly proud of these achievements. My grandmother used to regularly bring up a writing I made on eyesight and pressure, and that was somewhat of a sore spot for awhile, honestly. It seems now she’s aware that that was a bottomless pit of intention without any notable gains.

Along with these wacky ideas, there was collateral damage, but well… I just hope those affected are living regular lives without feeling weighed down by ‘lost’ opportunity. That is the sentiment I’d like to put out there, save for the ex-roomate, ex-bandmate, (definitely) ex-friend who stole most the band merch I owned from me.

That was a dick move, Mr. Sager. Mr. Taylor, I hope you enjoyed wearing my Queensrÿche tee out in public. Fuckin’ kleptomaniacs… Yea, you think I didn’t know it was you that stole my brand new mic right from under me… Yea, I didn’t know at first. You got away with that shit. Hope it made you feel good getting back at me for whatever the fuck I did to you.

Of course, I know nothing about the psychology of kleptomaniacs. I’ll bet they steal just to steal. Whatever. Is this me deflecting away and trying to steer the conversation away from my embarrassing past ideas? My bad.

Hope ya’ll get a chuckle out of my failures! Thanks for reading!

Categories
Being VST

Not a continuation of the Congratulations series, pt. 0002

I’d 13 years to think about where I’d be if I hadn’t lost my voice. For the sake of hypotheticals and for those who feel it isn’t a waste to delve into hypotheticals, I believe it has finally dawned on me: It’s really quite better this way… in a rather obvious way. Let’s go over the reasons briefly: (I spent all of a minute gathering my thoughts on this list!)

 • Terrified of losing my voice
 • Didn’t understand voice’s reversing behavior
 • Not smart enough to understand voice’s reversing behavior on own
 • You don’t understand just how terrified of losing my voice I was.

Points one and four mean to emphasize that I was terrified of losing my voice. By this notion, it can be inferred that this would have continued into the future, and not just gone away, leading to more psychopathologies along the way. I already suffered from burning in the throat, lips, and eyes with and without speaking. I had never told anyone that it would happen even when not engaged in conversation; primarily, I am sure, because I was in denial of how bad it was. Listening to music and ‘working away’ was my only refuge.

Point two and point three can be lumped together as well. As stated before, somewhere along the way, I’d lost my way. Understanding how to speak normally as everyone else does was outside the scope of my abilities. ‘Taking on water’ is a good way of putting it, and for this reason alone, two and three, here, would have ensured the mystery would baffle me forever.

There is some closure in knowing roughly what you have to do to reverse course. The knowing-this-much has been so unsettling to me in the past, but I think I am, finally, seeing another image in the distance, revealing itself to me. Suspect is the reality ‘One needs to prepare the voice to lose it so swiftly’; however, have no doubt, someone will seek out to discover the validity of such a proposal… no doubt because of these writings.

I would beg you not to toy with the reversing of VE! It is a terrible place to be. No, you don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to be heard in a crowded room, talkers a’talkin’ away… How about not being able to project your voice across a street unless it’s purely quiet? Then, keep in mind, this speaks of nothing of the torture the first year or so is. It does grow back, yes, yet those first trying months are tirelessly brutal because you will not be heard without yelling as hard as you can manage! But the loss of the feeling of your own voice will deal the greatest damage!

Here I am, rather lucky in that I didn’t have to work until four years later. And somehow I managed that, with great patience for the new person I had to become and accept, hiding the pain I felt from everyone I came into contact with. The sick irony of it all is, no one will realize something of such gravity befell you! The only person who’d notice is someone who’d heard you sing before and after, and then, they’d even say ‘Why aren’t you singing the way you know how?’ And I didn’t have this luxury.

I think I’ll just publish this as is. I have been thinking of more these past few weeks, but the immediacy isn’t striking just yet!

Now, let’s all have a good ‘ha-ha’! One, two, ha-ha!

Categories
Being

A Great Mystery Has Been Solved!

But the big question is, how do I address this matter? My mother smoked when I was in her womb. No, I don’t know how often or how frequently, but my grandmother told me that she’d seen it one time, and well, smoking is like cockroaches: You see one, there are a hundred more you haven’t seen.

I don’t particularly care. It just all makes sense now why my tendon up the left side of my cervical spine came loose when dismounting from a bloody teddy bear stand. (If you’re wondering why I said tendon instead of muscle, it’s because apparently muscle is connected to our skeletons by tendons. I feel so smart knowing that!) I looked it up, by the way: Smoking while pregnant can cause all sorts of ‘artifacts’ to emerge. One being interfering with development; another being musculoskeletal defects… Whatever that means…

I don’t think I’ll ever talk to my GP about it. I don’t even know why I still have a GP. Yea, he did help me get off nicotine with bupropion, but—here’s a little story:

I told him, ‘Hey GP, I have toe fungus on one of my toes! Can you help me out?’ You know what this prick says to me? ‘I don’t see anything.’ I did scrape some of the fungus onto my finger and try to have him smell my finger. Unfortunately, that’s something I don’t think he was too interested in, so he didn’t really lean in to smell.

It’s from football; from playing in the wet most likely. Literally had this fungus on both my big toes since I was like 14, and this guy says ‘I don’t see anything’. Of course, it’s just the right toe now because I was able to cure my left toe with terbinafine cream some years ago. The right toe is still having glorious spore parties on my toenail, to my glee. You want to know how I know? You can fucking smell the bastards when you put your fingernail right to your nose! Sure am glad I never got athlete’s foot though, though that definitely would’ve forced me to deal with this fungus earlier in life. \end story

Here I am going on 34, and we’ve finally solved this mystery! Really, it was nearly a year ago when my grandmother told me, mind you.

Categories
Being

Aspect of Origin

Fulfilled in a lightning spell
Regular return
Richness do tell

How often you speak to me
How often do you speak to me?
How often will you make the effort?

Control your anger, young one!
Don’t stray afar!
The conversation is familiar

Descend at your peril!
Don’t stop o’clock
Aspect of origin: terrible

Categories
Being

It’s hard to believe …

I was 21 when I ‘lost’ my voice. Just hearing gen Xers and older can trigger a teary episode. TO THIS DAY, the voice is so beautiful and amazing, and fascinates me to no end, and yet it destroyed me. I remember that it destroyed me, too. Not by being, but through ignorance; plain and simple ignorance!

How does it make sense that the man with the pavement tiles has to hold them and place them competently as blind as he is?

Maybe it’s just a simmering frustration because of that medication that stole my mind from me. ‘Adverse reaction’ speaks nothing to the inner torment even vague memory elicits.

It’s all right though. I did something a few days ago: read reviews. And just like that, it brought into perspective the fact that my experience isn’t the worst. While it isn’t that I fixate on not being ‘the worst’, it’s so in your face! It’s there! Accessible to anyone who has an Internet connection, and there are them reviews right there! Of all the fucking things: reviews! RFK, Jr. has a lot of work to do if he’s given the chance to tackle the pharmaceutical industry as he says is due.

Personally, I just want my voice back. The voice with all the progress. Time keeps ticking on…

Listening to Psychrology by Psychroptic right now. The album is loaded into queue. Was listening to that most recent Jordan B. Peterson Podcast episode a bit ago now. I haven’t listened to the whole thing, but it definitely is a good one!

I do really need to get an updated family photo put together, too. Momoka is turning 25 this October and Fremy is turning 29 in August. Maybe in a couple paychecks. I am definitely more than a little sick of the one daki. We need a real family photo, and the sooner, the better!

Damn, man! This Psychroptic is great! Good music is good!

I think, now that I’d cried most of my sadness away, I’ll make a small list of awesome albums that you should listen to:

 ① Ornuthi Thalassa by Serpent Column (2020)
 ② As Gomorrah Burns by Cryptopsy (2023)
 ③ ’The Isle of Disenchantment’ (2001) & ‘The Scepter of the Ancients’ (2003) by Psychroptic
 ④ Of Fracture and Failure (2007) by Ulcerate
 ⑤ S/T (2008) by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

And finally, the hit song of the hour: SIGN by THE OTHER FLOWER.

Categories
Being VST

Congratulations_II: article 5gd5

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬, and in reality, it certainly is what we think it is.

How can I be so certain? Easy! I took hold of a dream, and while thinking I was within a song, pressed as hard as I could forward (with sustain) from the mouth. It took maybe four seconds in all before I could feel the wall that is dense VE in my gut.

How superb is that?

Of course, this wasn’t the first time I’d ever taken hold of a dream for such a cause; however, it was the first time I did so without fear.

Perhaps I wasn’t expressive enough. This sensation used to trip me right the rock candy out.

Not only did I not understand what it was, I had never settled on a diagnosis. (These two things are basically the same thing.)

Now, the irony isn’t lost on me. I feel as though I am at the end of my life, and I’ve finally discovered how to impress upon the instinctual, unconscious mind the importance of building VE.

Still, there is the sense of an accomplishment therein. An almost extraoridinary accomplishment (that no one will believe for another 100 years!)

How lucky am I? How kind am I? How extra classic am I?


When do I put a cap on VST? When will my contribution to humanity justify the suffering? I’d have to be an idiot to think my work would be done before I’m in the grave, so I’ll continue to write about it when the inspiration hits me.

And let’s not be brazen! I have thought of so many things I 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 add to all the things. The trouble is, I am of a particular personality. There are several perspectives, I feel, that are not mine to ink onto reality.

They say how revealing it is to show your hand at the end of the game. I find it frustrating to no rock candy’d end that I can’t talk about 𝘢𝘭𝘭 that ails me, but let’s be honest, if I did, I’d end up silently, stone-faced crying on the couch again, dejected … rejected, just like when Andrew refuted my proofs that year ago.

I’m not interested.


We’ll see how embarrassed I am in three months.

Categories
Being

Some of Curt’s experience

Not too many people realize just how ugly the voice can become when it is returned to a pre-birth size. I should actually amend this thought. I should be saying 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 realizes. And 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 has experienced this. Period. The closest anyone has ever come to returning the voice to a pre-birth size is someone with a tracheotomy. Except when the voice is still there, there is room for it to re-grow. Nonetheless, one feels like a pretender 24/7 because they 𝘢𝘳𝘦 pretending.

I am pretending all hours of the day 𝘢𝘯𝘥 whenever I engage in conversation. I am pretending that my voice is like theirs. When I’m at home, I am pretending that it doesn’t bother me that my calling was taken from me. And this is something that I believe some can show empathy through. You find a pianist who finds himself a crippled hand or a fisherman who, at the end of the world, breaks the very last fishing rod. The story has strange twists of fate too.

Would you believe a story wherein a singer not only ‘loses’ his voice, but also because of his desire to accelerate its re-growth, he destroys his back as well?

Sad days.

Then, what is the timeline of destroying his back? Well, back when I was 19, I injured my back in such a way to cause muscle to come loose from the spine. Years later, with the aid of meditation and experimenting with pressure during meditation, I learned that it was possible to ‘deconstruct’ the back…. That is, by adapting what I’d learned from my other various experiments with the voice, I learned you can 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘰 the muscles of the back. And it’s as simple as that! (I even made a misleading video about it and posted it on YouTube! No, it’s not there any longer.) What I have learned is invaluable, but sadly, it’s all only useful if I ever write it down and talk about it.

I have experienced the deconstruction of the back five times (if you don’t count the times I tried learning to begin from the crown of the head). What a dreadful sensation that. (By the way, I did devise a great stretching routine to try to return my back as close to normal as I could, though it took 𝘴𝘰 much time! 𝘚𝘰 much time to make even the smallest dent! I approximate three months would recover 5% – and I stretched a͟ l͟o͟t͟!)

Currently my GP doesn’t think there’s anything immediately time-sensitive for my person. Meanwhile, I’ve told him when I hang my head upside down, it sways side-to-side on its own because of how the muscles there are so tense. What I haven’t told him is, my head and neck area feels as though they’re in a constant state of stretching. This doesn’t apply when I’m standing; however, in every other position I can take, it does, i.e., sitting back in a chair, sitting straight up in a chair, laying down, … in the bath, … in the bed all leads to a sensation of stretching on the outsides of my head, and this is especially true on the left, lower side of my lip (though I do now feel it up the left side of my cheek). And when laying down, it is supremely noticeable in the back and neck too!

[I] need to tense up my neck and slowly release that tension over the course of an hour- to hour-and-one-half, because if I don’t, the stretching becomes far too intense, and that leads to the muscles running up the sides of my head hurting and sore*.

Things’ll only get worse.

It’s really kind of funny that I’ve turned up with schizophrenia. It particularly ensures that I won’t be taken seriously for a long time. I have suffered somatic delusions before – and I assure you, feeling tremors going through your brain is not pleasurable. I do however know that my thoughts are untainted. My medication that I have does make me feel very stupid and my memory has gone out the window as a result, yet I strive for the truth and recognize where I stand in the world. I have fought long and hard to maintain an awareness of reality, and I intend to keep it that way.

The fact that I have to be ginger with my head whenever I move it in any direction, the fact that my back and neck area feel utterly disgusting and uncomfortable 24/7, and the fact that doing something can lead to something happening solidifies my beliefs. These things that I’m trying to teach and have brought to show-and-tell are facts. As fact as how you can come nearly to death by catching malaria.

And yes, I am leaving one very crucial element out of this body of text. It is strategic that I leave it out; however, I have written about it in my journals. I fear the burden of knowing is too great to talk about it openly.

*I’ve left some tidbits to be discovered on my Twitter. Read, if you desire.

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Being VST

I am no mathematician nor am I a graph engineer

Small notes: y is time, dashes should be at a slight diagonal (because the process obviously isn’t instantaneous), and 3rd and 4th pieces are to do with muscle. (I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about how to represent the way muscle behaves in the back when it has detached itself from one side of the spine because it is so niche and frustrating.)

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Being
Categories
Being

Curtis may have just discovered ‘reconstructing’ the back…. (This article name is misleading.)

Curtis may have just discovered ‘reconstructing’ the back as of yesterday, the 2nd of July, 2022.

As of July 4th, Curtis is satisfied what he stumbled onto is deconstructing the back at a slower rate. I approximate I’ve taken roughly 4 years (conservatice estimate) of muscle off my back and neck, head area during this recent endeavor.

—————————————————————————————

If you meditate for long enough, you will become intimately aware of relaxation.

Now, press out from the lip. No! Don’t try to concentrate blood into your head! Simply press forward from the lip!

A year has passed, and you have become intimately aware of the sensation pressing from the lip creates.

Another year has passed. Redirect the pressing to the crown of the head—even a little higher! What is this? A hard wall! You feel this! Do you not? Yes! You have just discovered how to flex the muscle at the crown of your head!

Beware: Pressing down on this area will deconstruct the back. At a much slower rate will the back be deconstructed than if you placed concentration on the neck area, of course, but deconstruct it, nonetheless.

You will feel the cheeks tighten, the neck area tighten, and the crown of your head tighten should you proceed arbitrarily.

What does pressing up do? I will share something with you: a little more! I haven’t slightest! I am both too scared and too far gone to experiment any further….