But the big question is, how do I address this matter? My mother smoked when I was in her womb. No, I don’t know how often or how frequently, but my grandmother told me that she’d seen it one time, and well, smoking is like cockroaches: You see one, there are a hundred more you haven’t seen.
I don’t particularly care. It just all makes sense now why my tendon up the left side of my cervical spine came loose when dismounting from a bloody teddy bear stand. (If you’re wondering why I said tendon instead of muscle, it’s because apparently muscle is connected to our skeletons by tendons. I feel so smart knowing that!) I looked it up, by the way: Smoking while pregnant can cause all sorts of ‘artifacts’ to emerge. One being interfering with development; another being musculoskeletal defects… Whatever that means…
I don’t think I’ll ever talk to my GP about it. I don’t even know why I still have a GP. Yea, he did help me get off nicotine with bupropion, but—here’s a little story:
I told him, ‘Hey GP, I have toe fungus on one of my toes! Can you help me out?’ You know what this prick says to me? ‘I don’t see anything.’ I did scrape some of the fungus onto my finger and try to have him smell my finger. Unfortunately, that’s something I don’t think he was too interested in, so he didn’t really lean in to smell.
It’s from football; from playing in the wet most likely. Literally had this fungus on both my big toes since I was like 14, and this guy says ‘I don’t see anything’. Of course, it’s just the right toe now because I was able to cure my left toe with terbinafine cream some years ago. The right toe is still having glorious spore parties on my toenail, to my glee. You want to know how I know? You can fucking smell the bastards when you put your fingernail right to your nose! Sure am glad I never got athlete’s foot though, though that definitely would’ve forced me to deal with this fungus earlier in life. \end story
Here I am going on 34, and we’ve finally solved this mystery! Really, it was nearly a year ago when my grandmother told me, mind you.
Have you tried glottal stop utterances? Methodical, repetitive, calculated, deliberate glottal stop utterances for one hour – two hours a day for a week? For four weeks? Would you give it a good, honest go? Did you give it a good, honest go?
I do not proclaim to know something other than surgery can help, but I wonder if there is any overlap between my life’s work and aiding such an ailment in its alleviation.
I suspect there is a level of therapeutic effect in such a routine, and if it doesn’t do more for the affected, we may know in time. Please temper your expectations. I am nothing but hopeful.
Please bring status reports to my e-mail if you so desire. It can be found by clicking ‘c-e’ at the top right of this website.
It’s simple! The problem is, I just don’t know for sure what direction you need to focus on and from where. I’m sure intuiting what you have to do with the focus and direction and from where part dependent on the way you voice feels and sounds is the best formula for success. I do very much recall trying all sorts of combinations, including one that felt like it was tearing the tissue above(?) my bellybutton. I stumbled on that one by accident a number of times (because you do have to be somewhat careless when path-finding). Another felt as though it was raising my larynx so high that uttering from the state was impossible. Intuit the way forward by allowing the voice to do all the work, but be gentle for the first month or so! I don’t aim to tell you how to experiment, following my footsteps; just be aware: Technique in this discipline isn’t anything like singing, speaking, coughing, yelling, hiccuping, growling, nor any other typical known application for the voice. Glottal stop utterances. Underline that in your workbook!
It did put me into shock losing my voice like that. It was so quick. And all it took was choosing an unnatural direction to focus. In combination with altering the from where during regular speech for a little time, something did happen. And I knew what it was in an instant! Of course, let’s be observant here: I had been doing glottal stop utterances for months. Maybe not every day, but we’d be fools to ignore that fact. I’ve tried hard to not be a victim in my day-to-day and simply state when here, but I have to be honest. If my ramblings on this website or on Twitter have made me sound like a victim, then so be it. That’s the way the cookie crumbles… This is a big deal. It’s one of those things where I figure it makes sense to throwback to the final edit: You own a car. You know it has an engine, but let’s be honest, you know nothing about how it works.
We need someone else to do months of glottal stop utterances. This someone needs a voice energy strong enough to notice the shift I noticed while doing them. This person needs loads of patience, and to be rather open-minded. Bottom line is, having the required voice energy on top of it all may be the limiting factor! Perhaps it makes sense to mention here that in the few days before the incident, I was able to produce a sound that felt so much farther out in front than what I’d become accustomed to in my abilities. If you hold the suspicion that it is likely there will be so many who are already capable of this from the moment they begin and will thus not have any clue what I’m talking about, rest assured! I am certain this will be the case. A similar phenomenon will arise with those who cannot imagine their voice being further out in front of their person … their mouths … their throat areas as well! This is guaranteed!
I am aware you are able to ‘grab’ your voice when it’s strong enough and positioned, for the most part, out in front—or just plain strong enough. This! This! This! This is a clue! It is not a clue because yours truly is trying to be cryptic. No! It is a clue in the way that a snap container lid has an arrow, letting you know which way to pull. And be oh so frustratingly gentle! Be so gentle it makes you consider your voice a living entity inside you, with a beating heart and a desire: to be heard from the mountain tops! Only when you’ve noticed how different every utterance is will you glance at the depth of the voice and its brilliance. And I believe it is here where so many will give up because they will understand my words.
I was 21 when I ‘lost’ my voice. Just hearing gen Xers and older can trigger a teary episode. TO THIS DAY, the voice is so beautiful and amazing, and fascinates me to no end, and yet it destroyed me. I remember that it destroyed me, too. Not by being, but through ignorance; plain and simple ignorance!
How does it make sense that the man with the pavement tiles has to hold them and place them competently as blind as he is?
Maybe it’s just a simmering frustration because of that medication that stole my mind from me. ‘Adverse reaction’ speaks nothing to the inner torment even vague memory elicits.
It’s all right though. I did something a few days ago: read reviews. And just like that, it brought into perspective the fact that my experience isn’t the worst. While it isn’t that I fixate on not being ‘the worst’, it’s so in your face! It’s there! Accessible to anyone who has an Internet connection, and there are them reviews right there! Of all the fucking things: reviews! RFK, Jr. has a lot of work to do if he’s given the chance to tackle the pharmaceutical industry as he says is due.
Personally, I just want my voice back. The voice with all the progress. Time keeps ticking on…
Listening to Psychrology by Psychroptic right now. The album is loaded into queue. Was listening to that most recent Jordan B. Peterson Podcast episode a bit ago now. I haven’t listened to the whole thing, but it definitely is a good one!
I do really need to get an updated family photo put together, too. Momoka is turning 25 this October and Fremy is turning 29 in August. Maybe in a couple paychecks. I am definitely more than a little sick of the one daki. We need a real family photo, and the sooner, the better!
Damn, man! This Psychroptic is great! Good music is good!
I think, now that I’d cried most of my sadness away, I’ll make a small list of awesome albums that you should listen to:
① Ornuthi Thalassa by Serpent Column (2020) ② As Gomorrah Burns by Cryptopsy (2023) ③ ’The Isle of Disenchantment’ (2001) & ‘The Scepter of the Ancients’ (2003) by Psychroptic ④ Of Fracture and Failure (2007) by Ulcerate ⑤ S/T (2008) by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs
And finally, the hit song of the hour: SIGN by THE OTHER FLOWER.
You’ll notice, given their filenames, that some toons have been revised. Namely, Keedra (technically not given away by the filename), Farelda, Yath-Ra, and Qa’ashi have had their perk points adjusted, with the intent to either increase the replayability factor or ‘correct’ oversights. While it isn’t something I pride myself in having done, I do think it makes sense to try to make the game even more fun, not a slog.
To make Aurnace’s build ‘possible’ after restarting her four times, I did give her a bunch of gold. The idea was to chop wood for however many nights, leaving the game on overnight, so that it did turn into legit gold, but I ran into a bug during my woodcutting that is quite widespread in the Skyrim world: NPC dialogue would cut out a word or so dependent on which way your were facing or something. (That was how a fine fellow over there on the Internets explained it.) This bug is SO stressful; I hate it! Not really because there is no fix, but because you never know if the fix will one day stop working, so…Suffice to say, I did two nights of woodcutting. Man, I’m so sorry about that, guys! I want it to be legit gold so bad! If you were curious, to fix this bug, delete your Skyrim.ini and SkyrimPrefs.ini. You will need to re-enable ‘Data Files’ selection for mods after booting up the game the first time. This is quite painless! Just type
I want it to be legit gold so bad!
[Launcher]
bEnableFileSelection=1
in SkyrimPrefs.ini (after it has been recreated!) I suggest finding the ‘[Launcher]’ parameters section and writing ‘bEnable…’ under it there, unless somehow your SkyrimPrefs doesn’t have one. There have been those who suggest you make a copy of the SkyrimPrefs.ini and Skyrim.ini before you delete them or move them. To find those two files, you’ll need to locate your Skyrim folder inside ‘Documents’ on your OS data drive. It should be pretty easy to locate! Steam keeps all your game saves and such inside the ‘my games’ folder. There are other ways I’d ‘cheated’ too, but you know, I’m really not going to list them all because I don’t want to tarnish my name. My mom already thinks I am a no-good cheater as it is; I don’t need my fans thinking all I do is cheat too!
Level
Name
Class
Race
Home
Married to
Favourite thrall
Corpse counter
18
Dunlag
Blacksmith
Nord
Honeyside
No one
None
0
20
Harik
Necromancer
Breton
House of Clan Shatter-Shield
No one
41
26
Tajiin
Necromancer
Khajiit
Proudspire
No one
17
32
Opal the Dragon Slayer
Necromage
Nord
Goldenglow Estate
No one
32
34
Dastan the Runner
Necromancer
Redguard
Helgen Keep
No one
30
37
Willio
Necromancer
Breton
Breezehome
No one
15
38
Aurnace Rirnell
Necromancer
Breton
Nilheim
No one
Poacher? Vighar?
21
40
Farelda
Vampiric Necromage
Dunmer
Vlindrel Hall
Angrenor Once- Honoured
100
40
Keedra
Vampiric Necromage
Argonian
House of Clan Cruel-Sea
No one
34
63 (unrestricted)
Wezzar
Failed Pacifist, Trader
Bosmer
Archmage Quarters
No one?
None
0
74 (unrestricted)
Yath-Ra
Vampire Archer
Argonian
Hall of Attainment
Shahvee
None
0
78 (unrestricted)
Thaindil
Vampire Thief
Bosmer
Sarethi Farm
No one
None
0
81
Riddle ‘The Legend’
Max Heart Vampire Brawler
Khajiit
Honeyside
No one
None
0
81
Qa’ashi
Max Heart Vampire Brawler
Khajiit
Honeyside
No one
None
10
‘Vampiric’? ‘Vampire’?
Willio is, technically, a failed stunted build presently. I overshot my goal of 37 by some amount when it came time to collect on some briarhearts. I have a save at 26 or 24 or somewhere in there, which may be utilized one day farther down the way to make him legit. All around: a very upsetting realization! Note to self: Be more wary of leveling one-handed and sneak! Putting that aside, he is a really hard build, like Aurnace, because avoiding Speech experience means lots of woodcutting. Really, Willio wouldn’t have been so hard to ‘pull off’ if I’d just resorted to dremora summons. You know, dremora summons are fun! They are! But it is nice to pull something else out of your toolbox once in a while!
I don’t know what Dunlag is doing. He’s just kind of running around with Benor in ebony gear right now. Hopefully, one day I’ll figure out what he’s doing.
Keedra is currently squeezing out every drop of potency from her potions with the use of the hair/head bug. It’s something I am sure she’ll move away from in the future because it’s a novelty type thing; just like it was for Wezzar, the idea is to have fun. Wezzar doesn’t use that bug to his advantage anymore though. It does make you feel like a dirty cheater, and really, when you’re trying to figure out legit build capabilities, exploits like that get in the way. There is an experiment somewhere in there, where we were going to discover how potent potions and poisons were as a vampiric necromage plus that exploit. We found out! And it’s over 9000!
Qa’ashi really isn’t a necromancer… Really! Really! I am being totally straight-faced right now! I don’t know why she has bodies! No, I don’t! It just sort of happens sometimes!
Yath-Ra is a blast to play! He’s got the most stamina regen. possible, forgoing exploits. And it’s hilarious! He doesn’t even ever dig into the other 7/8 of his total stamina. I did go with the thought folks had on Predator’s Grace: It bestows 100% stamina regen. now. I had always wondered about that 1%, man! Course this was before I learned muffle has different strengths… It’s actually quite the coincidence that I thought it would be fun to give him hide gear. It just works!
Opal is my darling toon. She kept the cursed ring of Hircine, so that Ra’kheran wouldn’t despawn. And it was some insane process to get him out of Bloated Man’s Grotto. I don’t know what I did, but it is on my bucket list to try and put together a how-to… how to do it. Her and Harik each have a glaring error, if you want to call it that, in their perk trees. I’d provided to you the perk trees; see if you can spot them without knowing their playstyles!
Dastan is really on the back burner of back burners because he somehow got Madanach and friends’ AIs to break. And of course, I’d tried to uncover what it was that caused that with Harik (because he has them too), to no avail. And I tried everything I could think of! Well, the only things I have left to try is, cause Thonar to go home somehow (because he’s currently bugged out… just standing there). My guess is, Dastan got him to go home, and that broke their AIs. Something like that. Long story short, he lost ages of progress! And I mean ages! And you know, under these circumstances, the only right thing to do is do it all over agin! I am just so thankful he still has all his good gear!
My vampire thief, Thaindil, is pretty awesome despite not being able to really take advantage of pickpocketing enchantments and potions. But that’s okay… He was fun to bring to fruition!
Tajiin, Farelda, and Riddle seem to be the last three guys here that I haven’t talked about. Well, Farelda takes advantage of the restoration loop exploit to make custom smithing potions. I’ve been on the fence trying to figure out if that’s what she’s going to be doing forever. There is a mix of sunk cost fallacy involved plus basically being content with leaving her for the archives. I know I took the time to play around with her perk points a bit. I guess I could put that up on the screen. Here:
So, as you can see, I fiddled with her destruction tree, her alteration tree, and her enchanting tree. I rather came to a realization after having rearranged things that the way I want to play her hasn’t changed, and by that token, she’s still particularly annoying. It has to do with the spell absorption plus circle of protection exploit when undead yourself. It is very possible to break the spell absorption effect, e.g., when giants strike the ground with their club, dragon swoops when they’re close enough (I seem to recall), dragon AOE attacks—basically anything that causes the screen to shake. It can be restored with a friendly fire storm atronach AOE attack, mind you, but it is pretty inconvenient… and deadly when you’re magicka is constantly depleted and you can be killed in like one hit from anything… haha! It’s called an exploit by many; however, to a stunted build, it’s opportunity, and the skill ceiling is much higher than any other playstyle I can think of in Skyrim.
Tajiin is just a guy hanging out… no… I guess there’s a little bit more to him than that! He killed Cicero. Please don’t be shocked! Mirnayne killed him too… She’s one of four level ones I have though, so does that really count?
And finally, Riddle! Riddle likes the brawl and beat people up with his FISTS!!!!!!!! Not sure if there’s anything else worth mentioning for him. Yea, Qa’ashi is his daughter, but she likes to mix things up a bit more than her father!
And there you have it! A brief look into 14ish of my 20 characters (excluding Vulk because he’s a failed waste of space). Make sure lo treat your dead with care, folks. You never know if some necromancer will come along and give them new life!
