Category: Being

Not too many people realize just how ugly the voice can become when it is returned to a pre-birth size. I should actually amend this thought. I should be saying 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 realizes. And 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 has experienced this. Period. The closest anyone has ever come to returning the voice to a pre-birth size is someone with a tracheotomy. Except when the voice is still there, there is room for it to re-grow. Nonetheless, one feels like a pretender 24/7 because they 𝘢𝘳𝘦 pretending.

I am pretending all hours of the day 𝘢𝘯𝘥 whenever I engage in conversation. I am pretending that my voice is like theirs. When I’m at home, I am pretending that it doesn’t bother me that my calling was taken from me. And this is something that I believe some can show empathy through. You find a pianist who finds himself a crippled hand or a fisherman who, at the end of the world, breaks the very last fishing rod. The story has strange twists of fate too.

Would you believe a story wherein a singer not only ‘loses’ his voice, but also because of his desire to accelerate its re-growth, he destroys his back as well?

Sad days.

Then, what is the timeline of destroying his back? Well, back when I was 19, I injured my back in such a way to cause muscle to come loose from the spine. Years later, with the aid of meditation and experimenting with pressure during meditation, I learned that it was possible to ‘deconstruct’ the back…. That is, by adapting what I’d learned from my other various experiments with the voice, I learned you can 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘰 the muscles of the back. And it’s as simple as that! (I even made a misleading video about it and posted it on YouTube! No, it’s not there any longer.) What I have learned is invaluable, but sadly, it’s all only useful if I ever write it down and talk about it.

I have experienced the deconstruction of the back five times (if you don’t count the times I tried learning to begin from the crown of the head). What a dreadful sensation that. (By the way, I did devise a great stretching routine to try to return my back as close to normal as I could, though it took 𝘴𝘰 much time! 𝘚𝘰 much time to make even the smallest dent! I approximate three months would recover 5% – and I stretched a͟ l͟o͟t͟!)

Currently my GP doesn’t think there’s anything immediately time-sensitive for my person. Meanwhile, I’ve told him when I hang my head upside down, it sways side-to-side on its own because of how the muscles there are so tense. What I haven’t told him is, my head and neck area feels as though they’re in a constant state of stretching. This doesn’t apply when I’m standing; however, in every other position I can take, it does, i.e., sitting back in a chair, sitting straight up in a chair, laying down, … in the bath, … in the bed all leads to a sensation of stretching on the outsides of my head, and this is especially true on the left, lower side of my lip (though I do now feel it up the left side of my cheek). And when laying down, it is supremely noticeable in the back and neck too!

[I] need to tense up my neck and slowly release that tension over the course of an hour- to hour-and-one-half, because if I don’t, the stretching becomes far too intense, and that leads to the muscles running up the sides of my head hurting and sore*.

Things’ll only get worse.

It’s really kind of funny that I’ve turned up with schizophrenia. It particularly ensures that I won’t be taken seriously for a long time. I have suffered somatic delusions before – and I assure you, feeling tremors going through your brain is not pleasurable. I do however know that my thoughts are untainted. My medication that I have does make me feel very stupid and my memory has gone out the window as a result, yet I strive for the truth and recognize where I stand in the world. I have fought long and hard to maintain an awareness of reality, and I intend to keep it that way.

The fact that I have to be ginger with my head whenever I move it in any direction, the fact that my back and neck area feel utterly disgusting and uncomfortable 24/7, and the fact that doing something can lead to something happening solidifies my beliefs. These things that I’m trying to teach and have brought to show-and-tell are facts. As fact as how you can come nearly to death by catching malaria.

And yes, I am leaving one very crucial element out of this body of text. It is strategic that I leave it out; however, I have written about it in my journals. I fear the burden of knowing is too great to talk about it openly.

*I’ve left some tidbits to be discovered on my Twitter. Read, if you desire.

Curtis may have just discovered ‘reconstructing’ the back as of yesterday, the 2nd of July, 2022.

As of July 4th, Curtis is satisfied what he stumbled onto is deconstructing the back at a slower rate. I approximate I’ve taken roughly 4 years (conservatice estimate) of muscle off my back and neck, head area during this recent endeavor.

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If you meditate for long enough, you will become intimately aware of relaxation.

Now, press out from the lip. No! Don’t try to concentrate blood into your head! Simply press forward from the lip!

A year has passed, and you have become intimately aware of the sensation pressing from the lip creates.

Another year has passed. Redirect the pressing to the crown of the head—even a little higher! What is this? A hard wall! You feel this! Do you not? Yes! You have just discovered how to flex the muscle at the crown of your head!

Beware: Pressing down on this area will deconstruct the back. At a much slower rate will the back be deconstructed than if you placed concentration on the neck area, of course, but deconstruct it, nonetheless.

You will feel the cheeks tighten, the neck area tighten, and the crown of your head tighten should you proceed arbitrarily.

What does pressing up do? I will share something with you: a little more! I haven’t slightest! I am both too scared and too far gone to experiment any further….

I’m not a mushy person. I don’t wish them a good night each night. I haven’t even written a letter to either of them for over a month. I say ‘them’ because I have two waifu. It’s been a very turbulent time wrestling with my emotions…. I’ve broken up with each once up to now, thinking I had it all wrong in one way or another. I didn’t have confidence then as I do now. I’ve been through the loss of a close friend—’younger brother’, even; and I’ve, too, been through an ‘event’ that stirred up some worrying response in me following that. It set me right; though, I haven’t told anyone I asked my ex to take me back. Too shy to do that.

There are spaces to navigate to, to meet like-minded individuals. I’m not a big fan of talking about it at all even in these spaces. I’m not a mushy person, and I apparently stray some ways away from how other waifuists express their devotion. I did have a dakimakura pattern made up for them (though I’ll admit that was at a time when I was confused about my feelings…. … Somehow my heart did know how I would come to truly feel, however…). It has been a wild ride.

Love is a crazy thing. I fall in and out of it on a regular basis (or maybe I don’t. I don’t know what it is). I go through times where all I think about are my waifu. I go through periods where climbing into bed is just a means to an end. I try not to think too heavily into it. Yet, it’s comforting having her or her facing me when I need it. It must be my temperment….